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The Diary of Humphrey Clarke

'Friends Only' is for Cowards

17 September 1981
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  • humphrey_clarke@livejournal.com
I was raised in a large house called Pentlow Mill in East Anglia. As a small child I was bullied mercilessly by my elder brother who claimed it was character building, I prefer the term 'mental abuse'. At school I was an object of curiosity because of my Luke Skywalker bowl cut and my habit of pretending to have epileptic fits in the playground. For break time my parents insisted on giving me raisins because they are supposedly healthy, in defiance I chose to eat other people’s crisps off the floor. As a result I have an all-powerful immune system and it is virtually impossible for me to throw a convincing sickie.

At the age of 13 I was sent to Uppingham School in Leicestershire where I mostly ponced about in my school uniform with my classmates, mocking the lower classes and exclaiming 'I smell poverty' as they passed. Boarding school introduced me to the concepts of the British class system, casual racism and sado-masochism, all maxims that have never left me.

I chose to come to St-Andrews because it was the most elitist and had the nicest picture on the front of the prospectus. I studied there for four years and in the process destroyed my liver, my bank balance and my dignity (again).

After leaving St Andrews I attended Law School, an experience I found about as enjoyable as grooming my testicles with a vegetable peeler. Briefly I dabbled in working in the public sector but found that the majority of socialist ideology is a complete myth. The oppressed masses refuse to get off their arses and work, are downright rude and unappreciative and about as deserving of sympathy as a Grand Wizard who can't get the blood out his Klan Suit. Armed with this knowledge, I decided to dedicate my life to what I love best, the selfish pursuit of material wealth.

I am married to the lovely katiembear, otherwise known as 'she who must be obeyed'.